irondwaggie

I've been rather bored and depressed lately, i guess that's why i finally desided to update this journal, though i should really consider doing this more often.

I think i've pasted through 2 semesters of ITT the late time i wrote here, and they both were rather the same. I'm having difficulty in my networking classes, i keep on thinking that i am not an networker but rather a programmer and that why couldn't there be an programming degree around here that i can get that i feel comfortable about. But always, towards the end, i think about all the times i that have quit something because i thought it was too hard, or that it wasn't the thing i used to think it was. Because of that, i'm sticking through this, i'm not going to give up on getting this networking degree because it's too hard for me, i'll just need to be working harder at in, that's all. Another strange thing i notice was that way too many people from my program had just stopped showing up. I assume they quit, but i'm not too sure if they actually said they were quitting or just plainly stopped coming without saying a word. Ether way, i feel better knowing that i'm ontop of the class simply because i show up.

Going back to me being depressed now. i've been feeling rather lonely lately, which isn't something new, but this time around it made me think about something. At times i can free rather comfortable with being with just myself, and other times i don't. I recall that a doctor told me i could have alternating chemicals which made my moods swing like that. I used to take meds for that, but i quit, and i have no real thoughts about even taking them again. I just think that there might be a better, and cheaper, way of dealing with my emotions, writing in a journal being one of them.

If you don't know this already, but at this writing i never had a mate, never been on a real date, and i don't think anybody has really been too seriously interested in me before. I'll admit it's mostly my fault, being socially awkward and never too willing to hang out with groups of people. It's quite odd, really, but for some reason whenever i hang out with 3+ people, i always feel left out, the 3rd/5th wheel. I tend to think i need to be center of attention, or i will feel like i'm being ignored. The main problem i think is wrong with me is that i don't have many relatable interests; therefore, i have very little to talk about when speaking to people.

Though i think i always say this, i will try to update a little sooner than last time

Current Mood: sad

Wow, it's been 6 months, or half a year, at least since the last time i updated this. I guess it's because i've been lazy. i'll try to update about what happened to me, but i think it would be easier to write what happened when some development is added to them.

Right now i want to talk about my weight training. I started getting serious about it about a week ago when i bought some Whey protein mix stuff. The stuff is about 10 dollars a tub and it lasts about 32 days. i also eat 2 eggs every morning as well. if the serving of whey mix is 20g of protein, the milk i eat it in is 8g, and the two eggs are 12g, then i get about 40g of protein in the morning alone, and from my understanding 50g of protein is the daily recommination.

Just now i was working on my leg muscles, which i did work on my abs, lower back, butt, quads, inner and outer thigh, and shin and calf muscles. i feel that compared to my upper half workout, it seems like a lot of work to do, so i have been thinking about moving the abs workout of the upper half workout. i found out that i should be working on my hamstrings as well as my quads, but for me it's hard to tell the difference between a butt workout from a hamstring one. I also feel as my inner/outer thigh and shin/calf work out is a little ticky to do, as they are not a weight dependant move, i can't add more weights to them, i can only do more reps, which doesn't feel very right to me. I would like to start going to a gym maybe, but they seem to cost a lot of money from what i am making right now, but i think they would help me out with working with the muscles i seem to be having trouble with.

I won't make a huge post, i think those are the reason why i avoided writing in this journal for so long was because those long posts seemed like a lot of work to do.

Current Mood: tired

Ya, i keep on forgetting to update this stupid thing, just lazy i guess, or maybe i take too much time playing World of Warcraft. I guess a lot of things happened to be this pass months.

I remember i was going to tell you about me being broke, but what exactly i was going to say i forgot. Well, i'm broke, with no money at all for me to use personally, only to pay my bills for one more month. I keep on telling myself i should apply at Home Depot that's near me, but for some odd reason i decide to go there in the morning, in which i always miss cause i keep on over sleeping. I am going to try to go to bed early today, but i always just stay up and over sleeping again x..x Another reason why i wanna get up early is to try this one thing i found in the paper, selling blood plasma. I never really tried to do something like that before, so i am a bit scared about doing it, and a bit ashamed about admitting to doing it, but without any real source of income, it is my only choice right now.

A good thing that happened to me was that i started to go to ITT tech now instead of going to San Antonio College. i have been there for about two weeks now, and so far i find that it is much better that SAC. For one thing, there is only once class everyday for 5-4 hours, 3 times a week, which is nice because i get about a week to do homework. I am a little disappointed that i'm not doing any programming, just networking. I guess it's a good, stable career to go into, but i do want to go into programming on day. I don't have to buy any books and we already looked inside of the computer and did a bunch of stuff to it already, something i didn't have a chance to do while in SAC.

I've been seeing other furs for a little while, but not lately, for some odd reason i would hang out with a few guys every couple of days, and then that just dies off. Oddly enough, i'm not getting depressed like i used to anymore, i've been very happy, hyper, etc. I don't really understand why i'm feeling this, nothing really "happened." I guess one of the things i should note is that i now believe that i won't ever find anybody to love. Something like that should be depressing, but for some odd reason its not too bad, as if there is one less thing for me to worry about.

well, that's enough for today, i wanted to say a few things about what i was doing in World of Warcraft, but i've already spent enough time today, maybe later i will do some stuff on WoW.

Current Mood: hyper

well i am 20 now, B-day on the 28th, no longer a teenager but rather an immature adult, at least that's what i have been telling everybody. People normally expect you to be happen on your birthday, but not me, i'm rather different. I do not like my birthday, it just reminds me of all the stuff i could have done but someout never did.

I remember when i was turning 15 on 2000, when i was a freshman in swimming, a coach of mine gave me a cookie with toothpicks sticking out of it like a cake with candles. I never really understood why he did it to me, but i think that it's a rather nice thing to do, considering how my birthdays normally go through. Most of the time it's really just me and my mother doing stuff, i hardly remember when other people are in it, besides the time me, my brother, and Allen, a friend of mine that lives near by, went out and wanted Kung-Pow together. It's fine most of the time, i don't ask for much.

Most of the time during my birthday, ether on the day or a few days afterwards, i normally get a bad emotional attack, it's really just me crying hard without being able to stop. The reason why, the best i can explain it, is because my birthday just reminds me of all the stuff i did the year before, and being the self hating depressed person with a screwed up mind, it's never really any "good" memories that seem to go through. I remember myself trying to picture how i would be in 5 years when i was turning 15, i would be thinner, in college, working, and have a GF (i was straght at the time) or at least be dating. i'm still puffy, not in school, unemployeed, and lonely. Oh, and if you read my journal past this you'll notice i skipped talking about my 19th birthday, that was because i had an infeted lung, i've been rather sick during my birthdays too, however this year that didn't happen, instead i'm completely broke and void of money of any kind.

erf, i guess that's enough of that, i'll go into something more postive now. I like Reno, our little female pug dog. she's very cute even with an ugly pushed in snout and bug like eyes. i like her because she's trainable like a dog, but like a cat is able to be able to get into your lap without cutting off the blood to your legs like most other dogs do. She sleeps in my bed sometimes, and is able to do so without brothering me, like my other pets do.

I'll try to make another entry on Feb, probably something to do with me dealing with being completely broke and waiting to get the money for the time i did at the alamodome, i'll try to remember to get into more detail with that on the next entry.

Current Mood: stressed

My mother says that sleeping on the couch is a sign of depression, i never slept on the couch before but lately i have been. I guess it is more of a irregular sleeping pattern that i have been using, it is not weird for me to be sleeping during the day; However, i guess a small amount of depression is to blame. I will start off the unemployment issue, cause that's the reason why i am so bored to be writing in this again.

I quit from the theater, well actually, i just cut work one day and stopped showing up, without a 2 week notice, i do not why i did, and i know it is bad but i am sure i am able to get over it. I cut work because it seemed like because i was not "social" enough to get on the supervisors good sides that i would be the first to actually do something while the others would get into there little groups, basically like the clique system in High School. i was not worried, i had a second plan, i would go to West telemarketing. They signed me up quickly, like only a week before i started training, which was just great. It did not go so well, i picked Outbound instead of Inbound, that means i would annoy people by calling them instead of taking calls from people who are interested. I was not able to get a sale while i was on the phones, so they let me go, not to be confused with fired, as i can reapply in 3 months. So now i am just sitting at him and rotting away, hoping that other jobs would be willing to hire me.

i'm trying to get my computer upgraded, but it is taking forever. Red, the raptor guy, is willing to help me, but it is been like a month or so, he is getting me most of the parts for free, so i should not complain, but with all the free time i have right now, i feel like it would be just better if did have my new computer up and running. I am a bit worried about my money situation right now, i do not even have enough to go to college this semester. That's fine though, i think it would be better for me to at least get a job first to get a good platform to work on, college would just suck everything up and leave me scared about paying everything, which would probably lead to bad grades, so that would be completely pointless. I am looking into getting World of Warcraft, an MMORPG, it looks like it pretty much fixes the major problems that i had with Final Fantasy XI, not relying on good groups and grinding and lots of quests to do.

i met a few new people online, i will try to get as much info as i can in. SakanzRaptor is a good guy, he lives up in college station, a 4 hour drive, i know because i drove there. He was nice and all, but i felt like the only thing we "did" was have sex, eat, and watched a movie. i would have liked to played a game with him and talked a little more, but he seemed to not like all the talking/joking around that i did. Overall it was good, i would do it again if i had the time and money. JoeWereWolf is another TX fur that i met online. He seems nice and easy to please, but hardly do much besides cuddle/yiff online, i would like to meet him though, at least i would be able to play games over at his place. KillamBear is somebody out of TX that i met through the raptor guy, i should say Red now not to be confused with Sakanz. He runs the zetacreations site, which is animal dildos. He is a nice guy, but he does not cyber the long stuff that i am used to, which i do not mind as he still turns me on greatly. I do not know how he does it, it is probably because he is a bear and you do not see that very often, something that i seem to like a lot. Helio is a lynx that used to live up in Austin but moved down here to TX, i went over to his place a few times and is a nice guy, but he has worst money problems than i do, and normally i would pay for stuff which i know i should not. Rueiko is a lion i met online, it was ages ago but we met on somekind of chat thingy and i guess he did not take my name off his list so he messaged me back up again. We played around, he seemed to like me acting my "dark/ferrum" side.

i should take a moment to mention something really quick. i have a "gothic" side of me, something dark and scary in me that i normally try to hide. one that just makes me feel like i should just go out and kill and rape somebody or just cuss all the time or something like that, i do not know. this is not something new but has been something of worry to me lately as these urges somehow are getting stronger. i used to have dreams of murdering somebody in High School, like a teacher or something. All that died down once i graduated. Sometimes it feels good to play a hardcore dom like that on Furcadia or yiffing. Anyways, i normally refer to that part as "ferrum", with "iron" being my lighter/normal side. however to avoid confusion with my charactors online like Furc or in MMORPGs, i just say call it "dark" and leave it at that.

Lately however, i feel like i have been hurting a lot of people emotionally, something i try to avoid. Most of the time it is my fault, i normally see it that way, but unlike me nobody else seems to blame themselves for their troubles, so i have a lot of emotional baggage. I had a girlfriend, Coltrayn, for i think 6 days. I am very lonely and passive, so it is not difficult to convince me to become a mate. like on the 2nd day i found a list that i used to avoid online relationships with, and i shown it to her on the 4th. The "rules for serious matehood," the first rule is that i at least meet them IRL and then wait 9 months. Personally i do not find that as a hard request, i mean, what is the point of having a relationship if i only know their online persona? I might of fell in love with Colt, but i have almost no idea who is the person behind her, and vice versa. it does not matter much anymore though, i can go on and on about this but i do not want to, hurts too much. It is much easier to just say "i am a retarded asshole" than trying to convince another person of anything else. i would tell about the other situations like this, but they are almost a carbon-copy of this one.

i feel like i deserve better then all this, i really do. My options, however, are quite limited. I just do not see things as other people do. i am lonely, broke, and depressed right now, and it is all my fault so i should not complain. i wish i had my computer ready, i just wanna play some video games now.

Current Mood: gloomy

It's my mother's mother's birthday today, nothing too special though, not going to do anything today and i don't know how old she is anyways, i just think it'll be a good title for this entry.

Before anything i think i should tell the rent-a-cop story as it is still fresh in my head:

I was going with a new friend that met me on pounced.org, he happed to live very close to me and it seemed right to go out with him even though it's only the 2nd day i known him, as long it was a public place and the theater seemed right, he wanted to see resident:evil2 anyways, so that was nice. i wasn't quite open so even though we were sitting together we didn't like lean up agaist each other or semi-cuddle or something like i did with emmy foxy (for punisher and cronicals of redderk), besides, i didn't even know him very much like i did emmy, who was a ex-CS buddy. After the movie we went over to the Jims near by to eat and talk a bit. He was talky, which i like a lot, some guys just want you to talk all the time and it feels like work after a while, but no, he was pretty interesting as well. Going back to our cars we stopped by mine, which was in the back lot of the theater that nobody was in cause it was a weekday and pitch black outside. He wanted to piss but not go inside of the theater so he just did it there, and being the nice innocent dwaggie that i am i just turned my back on him. after talking for a little while and a few 'dares', i turned myself back to him to face him, and surprizingly to him he did the same thing. He was finish doing his business but his member was still sticking out. Needless to say i was a bit turned on by this, but he tucked himself back in. after that however, i seemed to be a bit more open to him, from lightly pressing sides together to when i tried to dry hump him X..x after a little while though it was sudjested that i should do the same, in which i did. besides just showing it to him he walked up to me and started to fondle my exposed member, it felt nice, but i had to end it after a while, but that didn't last. again, it was 'sudjested' that one of us should have a taste, so i was the one that unzipped and he got onto his knees, after going behind my car though. after like he pumped his head like 4 times, i suddently noticed a flash of light coming over from the ally that leads to the parking lot that i was in, it wasn't a car but 2 people walking towards us, i told scalie guy to stop and i had to quickly tuck myself in, i remember i didn't unzip though. i knew normal people didn't have flashlights and that there were no other cars around, so i knew these were the rent-a-cops the theater has to kick out people and watch the grounds. i just started to talk with scalie guy to seem normal, and when the cops came up to us they pointed their lights at us and started to ask us questions, not about if we were doing oral sodomy in public, instead about what we were doing around my car, as if we were going to steal something from my car or the car itself. as soon as one of them remembered that i worked there they stopped the questioning and went back up the ally. we didn't try to 'taste' anymore that night, so we just went off our ways.

and that's it, it was a good night. before i leave however i have to point out what happen to me in the past two days:

i was trying to get ready for a job fair that my college was holding. I was looking forwards to it cause i was hoping to get a new job from this place, so with my mom i went out to shop from some nice clothes and and stuff to make me look nice, then i went home and typed up a resume and printed it out. it was already late and i needed to do my speech for my class, so i just stayed up all night do it, just like i did in the entry before this one. the next day i went to class and i got really nervous with the speech, i thought doing the outline and the note cards will be enough, i would just fill up the space between the main points, but after messing up the 2nd line i just had to step down, i was no where near ready and the topic i picked, looking back, was not very good. after class i took a 1 hour nap and i went over to the job fair, which was totally pointless because it they never asked for my resume, even though i was told they would, and they only handed out fliers, which made dressing up pointless. when i came back home from that i took a nap and mom came home with some new kinda of food, which was loaded with onions (icky) and i bit my lip pretty bad while eating it too. Needless to say it was a pretty bad day.


so it's a good/bad post i guess. i'll try to do another entry soon, hopefully sooner than it took me to do this one.

Current Mood: sad

well, i guess you can fingure from the title i'm not in my best mood right now, i'm depressed again, and it feels really bad too.

I didn't really go to sleep last nite, i got home from work late and i need to do some morning stuff so i decided to skip it. i've always planned to do something like that and i never did until today, and it's probably something i will try to advoid from now on. I tried to take a nap in the afternoon to counteract this but my parents just got home from their campping trip and woke me up so i can help them unpack, i doubt i would be able to fall asleep again so i'm just going to stay up until later tonite.

Why i had to get up early was to go to college and enroll in my classes, which wasn't as bad or as long as i thought it was going to be. i only had to pick out what class and want time i wanted and it was all set, well except for that full class, i had to pick another time for that one. i wanted to ask for information about a job there but i just held back cause of being tired and all. After all that fun i went over to the bank to put in a few checks into my acount, again i would've asked for credit to pay my bills but i was too tired to do that. i just went home after all that.

i can't really say why i'm feeling down right now, i just feel like there is nothing for me to do and that i have nobody to play around with. I'm feeling so bored and alone is the simple answer i guess. i've been wondering about my life a little bit, where is it headed and all, but i feel so lost and afaird when i do. I think i have no real light in my life, nothing really to look forwards to. i know i wanna become a programmer and all, and i think that's the only thing that is keeping me going, but i need more than that. "will i find somebody that'll love me" "will i get the kind of job i want" "where will i go when i move out", questions that are just rolling in my mind all the time and i simply can't answer them. i wanna just be somebody that'll just live in the 'now' of things, but i don't know what direction to go unless i know where i'm going to end up.

erf... my shirt is getting wet from wiping away the tears. i guess that's enough heart pouring out my soul for today.

erf, wow, i haven't wrote in this in a long time, i guess i should now hmm? But there are too many things that happen to me, i'm too lazy to write them all in full detail, and i just got back from work. I think it'll be best if i try to sum things up as fast as possible.

First things first, i got a laptop! it's great, kinda light, and i'll be able to use it in college! i didn't expect to use the internet on it, but i got a PC wireless connecter card with it, and my mom already had a router, so now i use it a lot, in fact i use it now because i'm sick of my brother kicking me off of my desktop. another thing is that i play games on it as well, which i didn't expect to do, my plan was to upgrade my desktop so that it'll be faster/better, but i found out i had to get a lot of stuff if i just wanna get a better processor, like a new motherboard and case. so i'm using this until i can do that i guess, but then i thought "why do all that and still have the chance my brother can kick me off, when i can just use the laptop all by myself!" so now i'm using this as my gaming laptop. i'm a bit worried about 2 things about that though, one is my video card, i don't think it's very good, it's like a SiS M650 or something like that, i have no idea if it's good. another thing is my RAM, it should be like 256 MB but i think maybe it's like 224 MB cause that's what my computer properities tells me. i find it a bit odd that even though i have all the settings i need, Unreal Tournament plays pretty laggy, maybe i'll need to tone down some of the settings.

erf, so much for 'sum things up as fast as possible', hehe. i have jury duty on the 3rd, which i find weird cause it's the first time i ever got one of those, i'm not very sure of what'll happen. Work still sucks, but i need to wait to find a better job first before i leave, which i'll need to get back into college to do.

that's going to be it for now, i'll need to update more often, i keep thinking writing here is so bothersome, but now i remember it helps me relax a bit.

well, i seem to be getting worst. every day that goes by just seems like a new low for me, or at least pretty darn close to my junior high school year depression, which was pretty bad. well, i don't want this to be a recap from by other posts, so i'll try to be different.

Work is starting to get to me, i got over the low pay cause i'm getting more hours, and more than enough money for me to get into college and hopefully a laptop. However, the thing is now they are starting to get on my nerves. They been seeming to be blaming me for things that i'm pretty sure that i wasn't in fault. once i was yelled at for not cleaning a theater, but at that time i was ripping tickets so it wasn't my duty to clean it. another thing that happened yesturday was that i had a walkie, which is this radio thingy that they give to people in charge, which i like to have cause it makes me feel powerful. i was B-side usher, and on the walkie i remember them calling for A-side, over and over again, and i used to listen in really closely to make sure i wasn't mistaken, but nope, they weren't calling for me so i didn't answer. later on in the day, they sent somebody over to my side to take away my walkie, telling me i haven't been answering it. i hate being blamed for stuff i didn't do, whenever i'm going to quit, i'm going to put that as my main reason. though it would be a better idea to tell later employeers it's cause of the lower pay =P

well, i got that out of my system. i guess i'll end this on a lighter note, and explain the title. When working at consession i had this little girl of like 4 or 6 come up to me and say "can i have your chocolate balls?" i think that's funny cause she said MY chocolate balls, not anybody else's. :giggles: ya, sick humor, but hey, whatever. oh, by the way, she was talking about Whoppers, which really are just balls of chocolate.

This is day 2 of my 2 day off, i'm starting to get bored, well, i was already bored yesturday, but now i'm just bored enough to write in this journal now. i played a few games already, a few interesting one from gamefly rental, but i also been playing savage alot, it's really good, an RTS and FPS at once, though i mostly play the FPS part mostly.

I've been depressed lately, mostly trying to fingure out what i want in life i guess. love, friends, sex? it's really confusing me. i too picky at times, i don't what i'm looking for too, which makes it harder to actually find it. being alone all the time doesn't seem to help much, been playing games to fill the viod.

i found out that Azio is leaving SA, going off to Ohio, which is a huge bummer to me, i really did like him. :sighs: i guess he got the wrong impression of me, or a right one just now that i seemed to have changed some, i just don't know anymore. it seems ackward though, both him and eddie/buns are guys i really do like, but soon they will both be out of my reach. i'm so sick of having online friends, i much rather have ones in real life, but those always end up horribly, i haven't had a real friendship after moving away from Maryland, and even those were kinda dieing when i left.

well, i don't know what else to say. work is alright, getting some more hours now that i losen up the times i can work and the summer movie season started, though i really do need to get some more money.

i'm not in a good position right now. and yes, i know i haven't updated in a while, and again some important stuff happen to me.

well, to start off, i had my first sexual experience, even though it's was just kissing and oral, i guess that counts? it was with the gay couple that i know, and i'm not really too pround of it ether. it's not because of thier age or that there was 2 of them, it was because i saw them as friends. if i ever try something like that again, it'll probablly be with somebody that i have deeper feeling with. if i learned anything from this, is that kissing isn't all that hard, and sucking somebody off is, i think i did a horrible job with that. oh, and that it doesn't take a whole lot to make me blow off, ya, i'm an early shooter i guess. it wasn't that bad though, i was still able to continue, thought i did have to quit after a little while, i dont' think i even went limp.

next? i'm going to fail college english. erf, it's really bad, i guess my plan to get it out of the way blew. what happen was that i was doing somewhat well, until the final paper came up, erf. then i was depressed because of what happen to me because of the gay couple to do much, and i had a little arguement with azio (i'll get to that a bit later). i ending up with not doing any of the drafts but only the final paper, which i think i did very poorly on, but if it was at least graded i think maybe i had a chance, but without the drafts my professor didn't count them as a grade. erf. and it's too late to drop out now. my plan is now to just wait till the end of my college years to do the english classes, so that it can seem more basic for me.

now with azio. i don't know what to think. just the day after the cuddling i did with him that i spoke of in my last post he took me that he that he only did that because he was feeling horny. that made me depressed for a little while, a kind of 'i'm only good for a yiff toy?' which is probably why i even got myself to do that with the gay couple. but later i found out he ment something more like 'i don't want to get too far with you because we're not a couple' i guess. so feel a little better because of that but still, erf, it does kinda suck. i met up with emeral foxy, another SA fur that i met. he seems really nice and all, but azio has some history with him, as they are ex-housesharers, and it's not very nice. erf. i just hope that because of this will make problems. i really seem to like azio, i don't know why, i just met him, but i seem to have feeling for him already... erf.... i'm so confused... >..<

i'll leave with that, i'll try to see if i can try to do another post earlier though.

I just did a 30 minute workout DDRing, and foxy still isn't on today, so i'll make an entry here. erf, i guess i feel like this journal is less about me expressing my inner feeling than it is something to do while i'm bored, but oh well.

yesturday was great! i hanged out with the SA foxy again, Azio. he left for Ohio more than a week ago and he just got back, i missed him during that. before i went to his place i bought the movie Kill Bill vol. 1, cause i never seen it before and i assumed he didn't ether. it turned out he did see it before, though that didn't ruin the evening, i enjoyed it very much. after than we talked for a bit in his room. he looked at his small collection or porn he had on his computer, mostly these movies from FurSuitSex.com. we watched a few of those and commented on them as well, having fun basicly. also we cuddled as well, while we watched the porn movies. we got a little close, he touched me! hehe, it was great. we kinda just fondled each other for a while. i didn't want to get too far then, i'm guessing he doesn't just sleep around with anybody. i'm not even sure if he likes me very much too. anyways, once derek, aka edhyena, came by, we went over to the arcade and played DDR for a while, then they went off to eat dinner while i had to go back home.

then i had to go back to my college life. in english we had to do a research paper, one that i'm far behind in already, it should be alright though, i have about 3 weeks to do it, and i have ed and his mother, who is an english teacher, to edit my paper whenever i'm done with it, so i should be able to get a good grade on it. i'm going to have to commit to the project very hard if i'm going to pass it. my other class is doing alright, i turned in our last project for them, which is an understatement, they aren't very hard compared to the homework we get, they are just worth more.

work? i decided to bare through the summer at the theater, the free movies are nice, should make me look more interesting at the other furries in SA, which reminds me to say that i'm in a yahoo SAfurry group now. i'm hoping that a few more months working there can make me seem more creditable to future employeers. my other 2 jobs i only had for 3 months, i can say that they were only summer jobs, but i can't do that if i quit the theater now, as i didn't have that job at the start of summer. i probably can't do the summer college classes too, i need money bad, and the theater SHOULD give me more hours during that time, so hopefully i can save up for the fall classes and that is when i'm planning to start looking for another job.

that's good for now, i'll try to update these sooner than the last time, though i can't make any promises...

erf, i'm bored again, i fingure that i'll update my journal to pass some time. at least something happen to me before writing this though. I've been going out with Aizo, the SA foxy that lives close to me. the 'dates' have been pretty fun so far, though it is mostly me hanging out at his place and just talking about. yesturday was different though, we went out and watched a movie at the theater that i work out, we got in, drinks, and popcorn for free. the movie we saw, secret window, was pretty good. not too much on the freaky side and it didn't have a real 'happy' ending that i'm so used too. after the movie, we went back to his place, watched YuYu, an anime i like to watch, then went back out again to panda express for dinner. i forgot how good the food there is, it seemed he haven't really been there at all, but he says he enjoyed it as well. we went around the area looking at stores and stuff after that. it was fun though, i liked how he rubbed my back at times, i tried to do the same, but :blush: i guess i still have some more work to do. i guess want i really need to point out is that i kissed his cheek during the 'goodbye' hug we normally do, he cheek kissed me back as well. i really liked it, i'll admit, i'm just surprized i did that.

other stuff to take about... er.. uhm... i hate my job? yup yup, it's bad. i'm losing a lot of money now, i just bought MarioKart: Double Dash for my GameCube. i got it so that i can play it with my brother. i don't remember if i said this before, but he just came back from being in japan for two years. he's off at his own job right now, selling cars in a dealership. it sounds hard though, 10 hours a day, 60 hours a week. erf, harsh. i just found out that i should get a remuse ready for that job fair at my college. probably make a couple of copies of it to give out feely. i really do need another job, the unconstant hours and min-wage of the theater isn't very good for paying gas, insurances, and my car.

erf, i guess i really need to go now, i wanna do some DDRin'. don't know when i'll make another entry, :shrugs: cya till then though.

heya, having updated in about a week or something, sorry. just, being depressed and then being busy does that, i guess, cause that is what happened.

well, i'll start in the beginning. when i last left off, i got that game mario and luigi: superstar saga. i finished that off not too long ago now, it was short, but it was very good. i'll even play it again. if i'm able to replay a game like that, i say i got my money's worth. the better thing is though because i got used to playing on my GBA:SP again, i could start up playing Final Fantasy Tactics Advance again. though i had to play from the beginning instead of using the old game again. just right now i got farther then what i did before, in less time too.

i've been thrown a bone irl too! i've met somebody! :squeels in joy: he's everything i'm looking in somebody too! he lives very close to me, around my age, and is a furry too! i feel great now, i've been alone so long too. i've met up with him not too long ago. we talked about our lives and stuff, ate at KFC, went over to his place, met up with the other people that lived there, and then watched Matchstick Men.

I'm just making an entry before i forget all of this, you can probably notice that i didn't go all into detail and stuff. that's because this Spring Break gone by really quickly too. erf, i even forgot to talk about how i drove to San Marcos to meet up with Tori. he's a great guy too, we just walked around his campus and shown me around some. i would like to do that again, but the drive there is 1 1/4 hours long... i really don't think i can take about 2 1/2 hours in a day just to meet him very often.

at the moment, i'm typing this cause i need something to do so i can start up on my paper about gay marrage. i really should start up. i hope i can do another entry soon, maybe after meeting up with the SA Fur again.

erf, i'm in one of my 'depressed' moods again, this time something actually happen to me instead of me just feeling this way. in college, a girl seemed to be really 'interested' in me, i never seen her before in any class or anything, but she was hitting on me i guess. being the gay guy that i am, i just said no to any offers she made, mostly date ideas that are really sexual innuendo. once she left i saw that she when over to her own group, laughing loudly after a short while. i couldn't take in anymore, i'm going to read my books at the arcade instead of the lunch room from now on. erf, i can't help but feel lonely after that, as sad as that was, it was really the first 'offer' i ever got from somebody before. needless to say after i came home from college i started to flood my pillow with tears.

so, today, to get over my bad mood, i bought myself a new game. erf, i know i shouldn't have cause i'm saving for AC, but dammit, i need to do something! the game i got was Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga. i heard it was a great game, short, but really good. :sniffles: i haven't been doing much now, no reading my programming book, no DDR, i'm eatting way too much now... :cries:

erf... i need to finish up dinner now... i'll write some more tomorrow, no work or college, just me alone again... alone.....

:sighs lightly: i got left off early from work today, 3 hours earlier then what i should've stayed till. that's about $15 lost, which may not sound a lot, but still, it's something. i really hate being in a minimal wage job like that, i was getting like a dollar more when i was in seaworld, and i was doing the same amount of work. erf, the problem that i have with the theater is that they over staff too much, there is hardly anything to do most of the time, whatever jobs there were somebody else was already doing it or it was done. i really should try to find another job, my english professor told me a high school grad shouldn't really work at a min-wage job anyways, but i always assumed that the job market was bad and that i should at least be thankful to even have a job. erf, there is going to be a job fair at my college, SAC, soon, i'll try to look around that, i just hope they have something better and avaible for me.

i already have a hard time trying to pay my bills with the cash i'm getting now, much less being able to get the $1000 that i want to go to AC this july. erf-ful, i really really want to go! i have a total lack of fur culture in SA. i was told about a fur meet in TX before, but the problem was that it was being held in Dallas, a 3 hour drive away, on a day i was working anyways. i feel bad now, there is nobody here i can relate with. that's probably why i wanna go to AC. but until then, i have a few more months of lonelyness to deal with.

yesturday, after a little while at writing that last journal entry, the buns commented on that entry and the one before that one. i wrote about him on the last entry, erf, i guess i kinda wanted him to see it. that really got me surprized was that he read the entry before that one, when i was talking about the hot tub and being uncomfortable about sex. erf-ful, i didn't expect him to only read it, but he also comment on it as well. i feel so violated, :giggles: hehe, not really. i guess writing on a public-like journal system means there will be a few people reading my personal stuff. i guess i feel a little better now that i don't have to bottle emotions like that to myself. i wonder now i'm going to hold more stuff back from my journal now that i know somebody may read it? erf-ful, i wonder if Buns expects me to comment on his entries?

uhm, i guess that is all for now, i'll try to see if i can get some more information about jobs by tomorrow, so i guess that's when i'll make another entry.

I'm kinda boredish right now, and somehow that just seems to make me a good, or at least a long, writer, so i'll just update my journal some.

There seems to be some trouble with my friend Eddie, aka Hazel, Edwardlapine, or the Buns. He doesn't seem to talk as much as before, but he does say something is wrong. i want to help him, but he doesn't give me any more information before he's feeling bad. he's my friend so i care about him, i didn't have a problem with telling him why i felt bad, maybe... maybe he just doesn't see me the same way, merf? as heartless at it may sound, i probably should stay out his is business. i don't think i can help from any relational based issues he may have anyways, and if that is the case, i would probably get depressed about it myself, making it even worst for him. maybe i'm not giving the buns enough credit, he probably already know that and that's why he's not talking to me? :shrugs: i don't know.

lately i think i'm going to try to turn a new leaf, instead of playing game and trying to meet new people, i'm just going to work on improving myself. for one thing, i'm working out more by playing DDR and doing a weight work out with my arms. so far i've been keeping my body cleaner now and i'm eating better, but my room is still in horrible order. i'm having trouble reading my programming book, it's been awhile the last i saw it, i'm trying to read back a few pages to try to get back up to where i was before. after finishing that programming book i'm planning to try drawing again. it's been like 10 years the last time i thought about being an artist, but now that i want to make a free-lanced solo made game it would be important to be able to have good drawing skills. too bad i'm still playing unless, non-self improving video games, erf, but i can't help it >.<

i can't really think of anymore to write about today, but that is good enough for awhile.

hehe, i just had a great DDR workout! it felt wonderful, i was tired and all sweating, getting drops of salty water from my head fall down and hit my hand, but even with all that i still wanted to go on and dance. i just found out how to limit a song down to only a part of it and play it over and over to train with, so i did that for 'the whisle song' to go those hard 1/8th steps i have trouble with. I still do have trouble with it, but at least i'm more comfortable about them.

erf, i when out with that gay couple i know yesturday after work. they were cool, gave me dinner and watched this show on the history channle about the samurai. the main point of the meeting was to use thier hot tub though. it was my first time in a long while the last time i was that close to semi-nude guys. needless to say i had a hard-on the whole time that happen. erf, for a while i kinda wanted to do 'something' with them, but that feeling when on and off every moment, it was kinda confusing and uncomfortable for a while. but they were perfectly ok with just talking to me, erf, though if they just forced it out a little more openly i probably would've when for it. erf, i guess the idea of me having sex is still confusing, complex, and uncomfortable for me. if only they were younger and there was only one of them, i would've felt a whole lot better about the whole thing. however, i didn't waste the night, it was fun talking to them in a tub, i really enjoyed it.

Auhnslaught came back from doing what he was doing before and started talking to me again. he seems to be really interested in me, flirting me me. i like how that makes me feel good about myself, so of course i'm drawn to him. erf, there is still the trust factor though, i've been lucky so far in online relationships. maybe i'll give him a few weeks here to get to really know him some.

erf, it's like almost 9am, i have to get ready for work until 1pm, that's about 4 hours. Nothing to do now except to write in this thing, i should probably write something now.

playing DDR is a lot easier now that with that new dance pad i have, i'm able to do some of the 5 foot songs in light mode and the 4 foot ones in standard, both are pretty hard. I'll probably just work mostly on standard mode, cause the song start off pretty slow instead of really fast like the upbeat songs in light. Personally i like the faster songs, but i'm still trying to do the 1/8th steps better and it's good for learning if i try them with the slower songs first. erf, i should make a list of the song that i really like on that game, but i really don't know where to begin. I don't want anybody to look at that list and say to me "ahha! you like that song, what a loser!" or something along those lines, merf >.<

college is doing well, welp, i don't know, i should really look into my grades in my english class. cause it's my first class i get tartied a lot, and not to forgot my first two days i didn't show up cause i was sick. erf, maybe cause i was sick those days didn't count agaist me, but i'm really not sure. I know my programming logic course is doing well, i'm getting good grades in my tests, and though i did miss a few homeworks, they don't count very much towards my final grade.

socially i don't know what is going on, the 3 new friends i've met hardly come on anymore, i know one is out of town somewhere, but i have no idea about the other 2, what's really getting me bugged is now my older friends seem to not wanna talk to me as much too. Maybe they busy with something else and it's best that i don't bother them, or they don't like me anybody and will report me as a cyber staker to the police if i ever talk to them again, merf. i shouldn't be so hard on myself, but i can't help it, i'm never good with being friends, i hardly have any irl. the only people who i consider as my irl friends are eric and randy, the gay couple i know. they seem to be having the same problem i am, unable to find any friends around, merf.

gees, i wrote alot for having nothing to write about, maybe being bored out of my mind helps with the writing process, merf. i should remember that when i have another english paper to write, it should be helpful.

i just got back from college, a little bit tired but i'll recover. i had a talk with my english professer after class, we were talking about this paper that i wrote. It was ok, but nothing i haven't heard already. What i did find interesting was the job database thingy she showed me. I really think my job at the theater doesn't pay me very well. It's time for me to look for another, better job. There are a few problems with that though. i really don't think having another <= 3 months job would look good, and i don't feel comfortable looking for another job while working at the theater as i still need money. erf... i'm in a real sandwich here.

socially, i talked to ivetastedBLOOD some more, it turns out that he's not really looking for a relationship, but rather a FB (fuck buddy). I don't know what to make of it. i'm not a very romanic person, so i don't mind if he does become a FB; however, there is a chance of being a one-night stand kinda thing, which i really don't want. But if it is a one-night stand thing, he won't have said he doesn't trust me enought yet to meet him. erf, he sounds like a alright guy, a little weird. He kinda reminds me of myself when i was 17, horny and freaky.

Hmmm... i came home late cause i needed to get another dance pad for my DDR game, the other one kinda broke on me, the down step worked about 75% of the time, which probably doesn't sound that bad but it made me pretty angery to see a combo go to waste even though i know for a fact i pressed the step.